


A Very Shitty Mix-Up

by Jacqueemackee



Series: Checklets [2]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Accidental Outing, Attempt at Humor, Heteronormativity, Humor, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Jack is not actually with Shitty, M/M, Mix-up, Paparazzi, Rants, SMH should not tweet without supervision, SMH tries to fix things, Social Media, TMZ sucks, Twitter, but not too much, caught on tape, inadvertent outing, outed against his will, outed with the wrong guy, rhyming hashtags, sleeping Bitty, so much tweeting, some anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-11-05
Packaged: 2019-05-01 18:43:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14526807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jacqueemackee/pseuds/Jacqueemackee
Summary: Jack squints at his phone, then over at his beautiful sleeping boyfriend, then back at his phone. The headline screams, “JACK ZIMMERMANN OUTED BY BF’S DRUNKEN RANT!”He frowns in confusion. Bitty is here, has been here, and is so careful about drinking in public, especially now that he has a secret NHL boyfriend…. who may not be a secret anymore.He doesn’t want to wake said boyfriend so he scrolls past the embedded video and down to the gallery that promises, “Years of Flamboyant, Forbidden Love.” Years? He wishes. Flamboyant? Bitty is many things- fierce, yes- fabulous, certainly- but he never struck Jack as flamboyant. He hesitates, then taps on the first picture. And there is Jack, smiling, laughing, looking happy, a hand on his face squishing one cheek while the other gets enthusiastically kissed…. by his flamboyant, mustachioed best friend. Great.“Well,” Jack whispers to himself. “This is….. Shitty.”





	1. A Very Shitty Awakening

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, Jack gets pretty anxious at points in this fic but it stays under control and he never has a panic attack. Thought I should mention it just in case because of the tags but I promise it doesn't get too bad.

Jack stretches deliciously in bed, knowing without touch or sight that Eric Richard Bittle is still next to him. At first, he thought it was only on the ice that they had this connection, knowing just where Bitty’s speed would take him to perfect no-look passes from stick to stick. And then in the Haus you could follow the sound of his music, even if his nose wasn’t guiding him to good smells. And around campus, well, Jack did try to keep track of everyone’s schedules. And now, Jack can feel the depths of relaxation, calm, and well-being that he only feels when waking up next to Bitty, the warmth that radiates out even when they’re not in physical contact. He cracks open his eyes. His Bits is curled up facing away from him, the extra blanket that’s just for the Southerner side of the bed spread out on top of the duvet.

 

Jack wants to wake him up, so badly. Slide his arms around him, nuzzle into the back of his neck, press up against his backside and stroke lazily over his chest and nipples until Bitty murmurs, then groans, then demands morning teeth-brushing before make-outs. But a twinge of soreness in his dick and a lingering ache of his muscles reminds him of just how badly he wore Bitty out last night so he decides to be a gracious top and let him sleep. Bitty does the same for him after an intense night.

 

He can’t bring himself to start the day, either. He slips out to pee and brush his teeth, then grabs a protein smoothie and his phone before sliding back into bed. He admires Bitty for a few minutes, what he can see of him at least, tousled hair and long eyelashes and soft lips parted in sleep. He drags his eyes away when the urge to touch makes his fingers twitch and determinedly unlocks his phone. Maybe he can catch up on e-mails.

 

His notifications are…. a mess. He’s had his phone silenced overnight and the messages have been pouring in across different platforms, Georgia and his parents most of all. He thumbs open the text from Georgia. _Well, Jack, this is most certainly not what we were expecting. The truth will come out soon and it’ll probably all blow over quickly, but I don’t think there’s any way to avoid the underlying questions. How would you like to handle this?_

 

From his dad: _ >I’m furious but also worried about you and Bitty but also laughing because that video… it’s classic. But worried for him, too, when he realizes what happened. Have you heard from the man of the hour or is he still sleeping it off?< _

 

Jack puts down his phone, closes his eyes, and does some breathing exercises. He sips his smoothie, reminding himself that hunger is a major anxiety trigger. But he can’t figure out an appropriate reaction if he doesn’t even know what’s going on. He grips his phone in both hands and shakily pulls up his Google alerts. Deadspin and TMZ top the list. Of course. He clicks the article that promises the most words and pictures, and……

 

Jack squints at his phone, then over at his beautiful sleeping boyfriend, then back at his phone. The headline screams, _“JACK ZIMMERMANN OUTED BY BF’S DRUNKEN RANT!”_

 

He frowns in confusion. Bitty is here, has been here, and is so careful about drinking in public, especially now that he has a secret NHL boyfriend…. who may not be a secret anymore.

 

He doesn’t want to wake said boyfriend so he scrolls past the embedded video and down to the gallery that promises, “Years of Flamboyant, Forbidden Love.” Years? He wishes. Flamboyant? Bitty is many things- fierce, yes- fabulous, certainly- but he never struck Jack as flamboyant. He hesitates, then taps on the first picture. And there is Jack, smiling, laughing, looking happy, a hand on his face squishing one cheek while the other gets enthusiastically kissed…. by his flamboyant, mustachioed best friend. Great.

 

“Well,” Jack whispers to himself. “This is….. Shitty.”

 

He taps back to Google and searches for a transcripted version of the video to watch on mute. He didn’t even know there were YouTube channels dedicated to deaf hockey fans, but hey. Maybe he should think about that more- accessibility and barriers to enjoying the sport. Do the sports announcers narrate the action well enough for a blind fan to follow and enjoy it? He makes a note to look into it later then clicks play.

 

The video is of a dimly lit bar full of wood paneling, leather chairs, and small chandeliers at every table. Harvard aesthetic, but clearly trying too hard. A TV over the bar is broadcasting Jack’s game live so this had to have been taken last night. The quality suggests a cell phone that’s been zoomed in to max on the booth Shitty is sharing with several Harvard-looking bros. Shitty is plastered and doing his best attempt at a seated celly. The transcript and video picks up mid-sentence.

 

_“-gorgeous goal, Jack, you beautiful beaut, I love you so goddamn much, look at those soft hands, gonna lay on the smackeroos next time I see that fine Canadian mug, fuckin’ clutch shot, that gorgeous ass is just flying down the ice, Jackabelle, you amazeballs motherfucker, what a GOALLLLL!”_ It looks like he’s doing the whisper-shout thing that’s never as quiet as he thinks, practically when he’s several shots in. Must be, for whoever’s recording this to pick it up. The bros he’s with look shocked and confused as the video continues.

 

_"Dude, Knight, we totally thought you were straight."_

_"Straight? STRAIGHT? As if sexual orientation is going to stop me from expressing my love for this handsome hockey robot hunk in the most manly fashion? Your heteronormative narrative has trapped you in a society devoid of bro kisses and drunken make-outs, of dudes proclaiming their emotions and love in the most masculine of ways, of-"_

 

Jack pauses the video. He knows how this rant goes, has heard it a million times over the past 5 years. He also knows how it'll sound to an outsider, knows how many lax bros and other jocks and straights it has confused over the years, too, even at Samwell. There's no explaining Shitty and now.... sports analysts and gossip columnists across the continent are going to try.

 

Jack takes a moment to assess his reaction. He always thought that getting outed involuntarily would send him into an immediate panic attack. And he’s stressed, sure. His mind is whirling with all the implications and possibilities and the plans the Falconers have to handle such a situation and Bitty’s parents still not knowing he’s gay and he's spent the past 10 years terrified of being outed by the media and he doesn't know what to do but it’s…. muted, somehow. It doesn't seem real. The media actually thinks he’s dating Shitty? How can he possibly take this seriously? How can anyone? 

 

But when he denies it all, when he laughs it off as a big misunderstanding, symptomatic of Shitty's particular brand of extreme manly feminism, it'll be blatantly obvious if he never affirms his straightness. He looks down at the blonde head next to him and strokes Bitty's hair softly. Decision time.

 

But first, maybe a little more panicking. And some stifled snickers. Followed by some panicking. Maybe? Time to see what the rest of the video has to say.


	2. A Very Shitty Response

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SMH reacts!   
> They have a plan!   
> They will defend their captain and his honor!   
> They will tweet!   
> They have no social media training! 
> 
> Bitty sleeps through most of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place in year 3 after Bitty and Jack have come out to the team but well before the NHL playoffs. Jack does have to be a little bit anxious before the fun starts but it's not too bad.

5 minutes later, Jack is extra determined to talk to the Falcs about making sure they have good transcriptions on all their videos because the rest of Shitty’s rant is pretty garbled. Doesn’t matter, he knows how the rant goes, can tell what assumptions the Harvard bros are making by their reactions, and whatever else they may be, they look genuinely concerned as they give Shitty a glass of water, hurriedly settle their bill, and hustle him out.

 

Any hope of it being dismissed as drunken raving was erased by the Internet’s discovery of the pictures currently populating click-bait galleries. Jack and Shitty watching tape on the Haus couch, Jack and Shitty’s cellies, Jack and Shitty sitting together for Hausgiving, Shitty on Jack’s back getting a piggyback ride, Shitty tackling Jack in enthusiasm, Jack and Shitty brushing their teeth in their shared bathroom (Jack didn’t even know that one existed- Ransom and Holster being sneaky, maybe?), Jack putting Shitty in a headlock and giving him a noogie while grinning wider than the NHL media’s ever seen, and of course smushed cheeks and Shitty smooches. Most of them were never posted publicly but Ransom and Holster each have over 700 Facebook friends and Jack doesn’t trust the integrity of their accounts.

 

He knows he should slip out of bed, make some phone calls, reassure his parents and Georgia. But… his bed feels like a safe haven right now, as if the sunshine sleeping besides him is keeping the world at bay. He worries he’d have a panic attack if he was alone. Or that this would feel less real because, honestly, this is pretty ridiculous.

 

But he’s still a Captain, former or not, and his first priority is his team.

 

He texts Lardo.

 

Jack: _Pulling an all-weekend cram of some art projects?_

Lardo: _jack it is 7AM ON A SUNDAY MORNING_

Lardo: _and how did you know?_

Jack: _Because you’re not in Boston._

Lardo: _and how tf do u know that?_

Lardo: _…..shittys in trouble isnt he_

Lardo: _just googled it shit are you okay?_

Jack: _I’m more worried about whether he’s okay when he wakes up._

Lardo: _u cant go over theres got to be at least one papz stacked outside his building_

Jack: _I know. That’s why I’m texting you._

Lardo: _right. you owe me for this zimmermann_

Jack: _Thanks, Lards. You’re the best._

Lardo: _yeah i am_

Jack: _Tell him I’m not mad, okay?_

Jack: _I’m fine._

Jack: _I will be fine._

Jack: _These things happen. Don’t let him beat himself up too badly._

Lardo: _ill see what I can do u know him and his guilt complex_

Jack: _Yeah. I know. That’s why I’m worried._

Lardo: _ten four good buddy_

 

Jack orders 3 containers of Lardo’s favorite extra-dark Turkish coffee for express delivery to the Haus while he’s thinking about it.

 

Okay. That’s done. Now what?

 

He needs to respond. But what does he say?

 

Option A: Denounce his best friend as a raving drunken idiot.

Nope. Not going to happen.

 

Option B: Laugh and insist they’re just friends and Jack’s totally straight.

Nope. That’s lying. And will make it so much harder down the road when he _is_ ready to come out and introduce Bittle to the world.

 

Option C: Deny that they’re together but carefully not confirm that he’s straight.

Nope. Too obvious. He might as well just come out.

 

Option D: Come out.

His heart immediately starts racing and his breath comes short. He stares at Bitty and thinks about holding him until it passes. That’s a nope, then.

 

Option E: Say nothing.

Nope. Everyone will assume it’s true. Or will look to Shitty for a response which would put him under an absolutely unfair amount of pressure and scrutiny. Jack can’t do that to him. He needs to handle this.

 

Option F: ???

 

Maybe it’ll come to him later.

 

Maybe he can work backwards.

 

How should he respond? Maybe that’ll give him ideas for what to say?

 

Online? It’s not appropriate to dignify a grainy cell phone video of drunken rambling with anything so formal as a press conference, not unless he’s coming out for real. Whatever invasive jerk took and posted that video shouldn’t have the satisfaction.

 

Except… he never uses the Twitter account that the Falcs set up for him. He doesn’t have Facebook. And his Instagram is just for photography, not addressing sleazy gossip about what his best friend says when he’s drunk.

 

This does seem like the thing for Twitter, though. And he does have access to his account, although it’s Falcs PR that uses it to post something once or twice a month. He uses it to see what Bitty, the SMH team, and some of his favorite commentators are saying. He sighs and pulls up the app, making sure it’s set to only show tweets from people he’s following. He does not want to see what the public or news orgs are trying to tag him in.

 

He stares. Re-loads it. Stares again.

 

SMH has been…. Active.

 

It takes him awhile to figure out how to see things in the right order (he hates reading conversations backwards) but then he settles in to read… whatever this is.

 

It starts with Johnson. Of course it does.

 

**@johnmetason:** I have no sexuality but my former captain @jlzimmermann absolutely inspires this level of devotion, attraction, and affection. #neverdated #neversexed #loveyoujack #gotyourback

 

**@hold4ransom:** I love the ladies but @holsomclose and I totally kiss @jlzimmermann at every opportunity. #neverdated #neversexed #loveyoujack #gotyourback   
_(attached image: Ransom and Holster kissing Jack on the cheeks while Jack rolls his eyes)_

 

**@holsomclose:** bros totally kiss their bros. take your heads out of your heteronormative asses, @tmz #neverdated #neversexed #loveyoujack #gotyourback   
_(attached image: Ransom and Holster bending towards Jack with exaggerated kissy faces while he laughs and shoves them away)_

 

**@hold4ransom:** Also? This is Jack. Everyone who plays with @jlzimmermann for a few years (or even just once) is in love with him on some level. #ocaptainmycaptain  
_(attached image: Ransom and Holster serenading Jack while he fails to maintain a face-off glare)_

 

**@holsomclose:** Not to mention the #Zimmerass. Should we show them the slides?

 

**@hold4ransom:** We should show them the slides.

 

Jack scrolls past an entire presentation of “Hockey Shit with Ransom & Holster” about hockey butts.

 

**@hold4ransom:** wtf @zimmerass, you don’t even go here. RT “@zimmerass: thanks @hold4ransom and @holsomclose ! we’ll add these to our collection.”

 

**@holsomclose:** Anyone of any orientation with any appreciation of a gorgeous posterior would want to tap that. But @jlzimmermann said no. #neverdated #neversexed #loveyoujack #gotyourback

 

**@sharkchow:** I don’t want to have sex with Jack!! But I love him very much and would totally kiss his cheek if I thought he’d be okay with that. Consent is important! #neverdated #neversexed #loveyoujack #gotyourback

 

**@sharkchow:** Is that okay to say? I know I only played with him for a year. But he’s such a great Captain and he gave me his dibs and @jlzimmermann I can delete this if you don’t like it.

 

**@volleythefarm:** @sharkchow, you’ve totally had sex in @jlzimmermann’s bed.

 

**@sharkchow:** @volleythefarm That’s not fair! I live in his old room! It was after he graduated! I’m sorry Jack!!!!!! It won’t happen again!

 

**@volleythefarm:** @sharkchow, yeah it will.

 

**@nursetheword:** chill @sharkchow, everyone wants to bone @jlzimmermann. Shitty just gets away with all the kisses ‘cuz he’s the bestie. #neversexed #neverdated #loveyoujack #gotyourback

 

**@nursetheword:** but I’d totally lay one on @jlzimermann if I thought he’d be into it and I wasn’t in love with somebody else. #imaonelovekindabrah

 

**@lobstersinmaine:** wtf @nursetheword you’re not even with anyone

 

**@nursetheword:** didn’t say I was dex

 

**@lobstersinmaine:** whatever. Anyway, yeah, I’m totally straight but I love Jack and I totally get the appeal. Also half the dudes in the Haus are into bro kisses it’s not a big deal you just get used to it #neverdated #neversexed #loveyoujack #gotyourback

 

**@nursetheword:** what about you, @lobstersinmaine? Are you into bro kisses?

 

**@lobstersinmaine:** stfu nurse and keep your lip goop away from me

 

**@nursetheword:** it’s lip BALM you heathen and it tastes like vanilla

 

**@holsomclose:** @lobstersinmaine’s first hashtags, I’m so proud *wipes away manly tear*

 

**@ollieitup:** ive got @wickemdown locked in but if i was single id totally wheel @jlzimmermann #neverdated #neversexed #loveyoujack #gotyourback

 

**@wickemdown:** yeah bros got mad skills and that laser intensity is wicked hot. @ollieitup, if @jlzimmermann was into it id totally tagteam him witchu #neverdated #neversexed #loveyoujack #gotyourback

 

**@ollieitup:** @wickemdown swawesome dude i bet his stick-handling skills are #fire u think hed watch tape to improve his game?

 

**@wickemdown:** @ollieitup duuuude

 

**@ollieitup:** @wickemdown brooooooo

 

**@holsomclose:** @wickemdown @ollieup dudes! not cool. this thread is about our pure love 4 the #zimmerbeaut  & u r dirtying it up

 

Jack really does not want to hear about Ollie and Wicks’ fantasy life (especially if it involves him) so he quickly scrolls through to the end. It looks like the thread has a lot more pictures of SMH being ridiculous in his general direction.

 

**@marchnapril:** can confirm, even the straight ones are gay 4 Jack RT “@TMZ: SMH, do you really expect us to believe that your entire division 1 men’s hockey team has the hots for @jlzimmermann?”

 

**@mightymashkov:** @TMZ, not just college! I love ladies but @jlzimmermann very kissable  
_(attached image: Tater kissing the top of Jack’s head during an on-ice celly)_

 

**@snowgoal:** yeah @mightymashkov, i think its the cheekbones #neverdated #neversexed #loveyoujack #gotyourback

 

**@mightymashkov:** @hold4ransom @holsomclose andy randy we do hashtags 2? is ok??? ))))

 

**@holsomclose:** yeah @mightymashkov, knock yourself out man

 

**@mightymashkov:** @holsomclose yes thank you!!! ))))) #neverdated #neversexed #loveyoujack #gotyourback is suppose 2 rhyme yes????

 

**@nursetheword:** @mightymashkov we’re classy like that :)

 

Twitter tells him that more tweets have come in since he started reading but he refuses to refresh the app again. This is already…. quite a lot.

 

A new notification comes in from the SMH group chat. There’s a lot of rage venting and emojis, Johnson proposing his “plan” and getting the other guys on board while Jack was still asleep, and now this latest message from Holster: _Dudes, should we or should we not re-create Shitty’s video in unison with the whole team yelling his lines?_

 

Ransom: _BRO. We totally should. Okay, mandatory team-wide meeting at the Haus in 5 hours!!_

 

A new text from Georgia: _Looks like your former team has found quite the response. Should we encourage the Falcs to join them in laughing it off? Tater and Snowy have already joined in._

 

He taps back: _I think they’re trying to protect Bitty as well as Shitty and me. They’re really going full Purloined Letter on this one. Whatever you and PR think is best._

 

He throws his phone down and leans back. He can picture Bitty shaking his head and saying, _“These boys…”_ He looks over at his actual sleeping boyfriend and thinks about the entire team that just volunteered for the position over Twitter. He stifles a small chuckle. Then a bigger one. Then turns to wrap Bittle in his arms and press his grin into soft blonde locks but another chuckle escapes. Bitty purrs in his arms then rolls over sleepily, slinging a leg over Jack’s hip. “Mmm, what’s so funny, baby?”

 

Jack’s almost shaking from the laughter. “Bits, you won’t believe what happened while we were asleep.”

 

“Yeah? …..wazzat?”

 

“Shitty got outed…. as my boyfriend!”

 

Bitty raises his head and squints at him in confusion. “Huh?”

 

Jack flops onto his back. Trying to say this out loud is beyond surreal. “Shitty was watching the game at some Harvard bro bar and he did one of his usual Shitty rants about my goal. Someone filmed it and posted it claiming that Shitty was _clearly_ my secret boyfriend and a reckless drunk one at that. And overnight… it exploded.” He wants to keep going but this is so ludicrous he can’t take it seriously anymore. He throws an arm over his face and tries to take a deep breath to compose himself.

 

“Jack, honey, are you okay? Are you saying people actually believed this? Have you been… do they know….?” It looks like he can’t bring himself to say the word _outed_.

 

He tries to sober up enough to reassure Bits. “Well, see, at first they thought he was just some raving fan. But then someone figured out his identity, found pictures of us online, and it gained traction. Because Shitty and personal space is not a thing, right? And at first, I _thought_ I was outed but then Johnson and the rest of SMH took to Twitter, and… SMH may be the laughingstock of the hockey world right now, but it looks like I may be in the clear.”

 

“Oh _Lord_ …. What did those boys _do?_ ”

 

“See for yourself. I’m sure you have about a billion notifications.”

 

“Mr. Zimmermann, I have priorities and you are at least going to let me use the bathroom, brush my teeth, and kiss you properly before I deal with the rest of the world.”

 

“I’ll start the coffee then come read you the highlights while you brush.”

 

3 minutes later he has Bitty laughing so hard he chokes on his toothpaste.

 

Bitty doesn’t pull out his own phone or even turn the sound back on until he’s gotten himself dressed, Jack has been thoroughly kissed, and a bowlful of whole wheat pancake batter is ready to go on the griddle alongside some chicken apple sausages. Jack would be worried that he’s scrolling through notifications while flipping pancakes, but he’s learned not to question his favorite food source. And least, not until Bitty yells so loud he almost drops the spatula.

 

“Notification from TMZ?!? I’ve been @’ed by TMZ??? What?!? ‘Omgcheckplease, care to comment as to why you’re the only member of SMH with a Twitter account that hasn’t come forward? Hashtag just asking hashtag hiding something?’ Oh, those cretins! Just let me….”

 

He gestures Jack to take over the griddle while he bends over the screen, fingers flying. Jack feels a sudden surge of fear. “But wait- Bits- you can’t use the same hashtags- that’d be lying. I don’t want to come out yet but I don’t want either of us to have to say anything we need to detract in the future.”

 

Bitty slows down then glances over at him, smiling slyly. “Jack Laurent Zimmermann, you just don’t want to picture a world in which I’m not sexing you up every chance I get.”

 

Jack blushes guiltily and kisses Bitty’s temple. “Guilty as charged. So what will you say?”

 

“See for yourself, Mister.”

 

Jack sighs and pulls out his phone. There’s too many new tweets to read through but right at top is Bitty’s.

 

**@omgcheckplease:** Because I was ASLEEP, you vultures! RT “@tmz: @omgcheckplease, care to comment as to why you’re the only current member of SMH with a Twitter account that hasn’t come forward? #just asking #hidingsomething?”

 

**@omgcheckplease:** But for the record, I second everything said about @jlzimmermann but since I’m gay it’s #wannadate #wannakiss #loveyoujack #gotyourback

 

He re-loads the app by accident.

 

**@omgcheckplease:** I am AWARE but SOME OF US are GENTLEMEN #tyvm #theseboys #nomanners #raisedright @southernboy RT “@TMZ: those are not the correct hashtags @omgcheckplease”

 

Jack laughs and dips Bitty into a deep kiss before handing off pancake duties. He settles down with his coffee and the first batch of pancakes as a text from Lardo comes through: _Arrived. Once he’s fully sober from his massive hangover, I’m gonna smoke him up and then break the news, help him make a few tweets of his own._

 

He types back. _Please tell me you’ll be in full possession of his phone the whole time and he won’t be able to do more than dictate. And remind him we’re cool and not to worry about me._

 

**Lardo:** _Duh. On both counts. But expect to have a long video chat with a very stoned Shitty later to reassure him about the second one._

 

Parents next. He probably shouldn’t have put it off so long.

 

**-Zimmermann family chat-**

**Jack:** I’m okay. Still figuring out a response.

**Maman:** Oh Jack, honey, we were so worried.

**Papa:** So she says but she also laughed until she cried.

**Maman:** Oh, quiet, you! That video is ridiculous and we all know it. And then those boys! Those tweets! What were they thinking??

**Jack:** Considering they started tweeting before 6am on a Sunday after having an impromptu party to celebrate our win last night? Probably not much thought there.

**Papa:** I don’t know, I think it’s a genius move as far as PR is concerned. The whole thing is hilarious and you can say something about their enthusiasm and support or just laugh and shake your head and still be in the clear.

**Maman:** How’s Bitty taking this all?

**Maman:** Wait, just saw his response. That boy has a future in social media management, I swear. Very nicely done.

**Jack:** It helps that he slept through most of it. I think he’s doing pretty okay.

 

An incoming call on Bitty’s phone interrupts the Beyoncé playing softly through his speakers. Bitty taps a button then calls out, “Hi Mama! Just making some breakfast for the boys. How are you doing?”

 

Her voice echoes tinnily through the kitchen. “Lord, Dicky, honey, you just wouldn’t believe it. Ms. Frances just called your Aunt Judy and told her that you just told TMZ that you’re a- a- a homosexual! Now where in the heck did she get an idea like that?? And a rag like TMZ at that?? That’s for famous people! Dicky, sweetheart, do you have any idea what they’re going on about?”

 

**-Zimmermann Family Chat-**

**Jack:** Hold that thought……

 

____________________________________

 

Several hours, many more tweets, and at least two very emotional conversations later, a video is posted and immediately re-posted by most members of SMH. It features almost the entirety of the current SMH team reciting Shitty’s speech with much theatrics except for a short blonde individual playing it up as the ultimate stuffy and straight Harvard bro.

 

Jack re-posts it as well with the simple caption _Thank you all for your support_.

 

No commentary.

No emoji.

 

And most definitely no hashtags.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I survived midterms!!!!
> 
> I'm most of the way through writing the next chapter of If You Only Knew but needed some absolutely mindless nonsense to cleanse my palate and celebrate.
> 
> And yes, I know Twitter doesn't allow inappropriate words in user accounts but I couldn't picture the Twitter dedicated to Jack's butt being named anything else.
> 
> I don't have the time or ability to make the super fancy formatted tweets so I hope what I went with was clear enough.

**Author's Note:**

> No beta and had to post in a huge hurry so please let me know if I missed something. I just needed something a little silly today.
> 
> Up next: SMH reacts! They have a plan! They will defend their captain and his honor! They will tweet! They have no social media training! Bitty sleeps through most of it.


End file.
